Circles

Again with the circles. I once met a kid whose grand unifying theory of life was that instead of reincarnation, we constantly travel in an orbit. These orbits intersect with other peoples' and when we feel deja vu, it's because we are remembering that instant from a previous orbit. It may sound silly now, but it was pretty impressive when I was 11. This past weekend IES led a trip to Kyoto. I went to some of the places on our itinerary back in high school; I was looking forward to going back. I know that [i]they[/i] hadn't changed, but Lord knows I have.



Here's a picture I took of Kintakuji in high school. The fall foliage hasn't really come out yet, so the place doesn't look so different. Except this last time it was a mob scene.

And here's us in front of Kiyomizudera:



I miss that t-shirt; there's a hole in the armpit and I believe a bleach stain on the side. I guess I could still rock it with that jacket, though. Except the jacket feels to small now. (Doesn't that sound profound?)

So let's see...at the time, I had a massive crush on a fellow named Aram, I knew I was going to go to U Chicago, and I still liked anime. If Cowboy Mouths Voodoo Shoppe hadn't come out by then, it did shortly thereafter. I had also just discovered this band called The Refreshments. Since Tessa, Christina, and I were the only girls on the trip, we were in close quarters pretty much the whole time, and by Kyoto we were starting to lose it.

Now? Well, I can't explain that whole having crushes on guys thing, but I do know why I was so angry and scared all of the time. Part of me misses having that ball of spleen in my stomach that drove me forward, but mostly I'm glad I've calmed down. In college I've managed to make some excellent friends (hopefully they're reading this!), really advance my Japanese (I managed to get myself to a hospital and explain my symptoms -- couldn't do that in high school!); I've come out and I've helped run one of the biggest and most important clubs at Haverford. And my GPA isn't too shabby either. For some reason I've had a giant collapse in self-confidence (maybe I never had it, and the aforementioned spleen covered it up). It'd be nice if I could regain that by graduation, but I'm slowly picking up the pieces. There's no question I've matured a lot over the semester.

There were a bunch of bizarre deja vu moments -- random shops or buildings along the Kamo River (the main river in Kyoto) that I had seen four years ago. At Kiyomizu-dera, I made a point of buying green tea ice cream from the same place I had bought it the first time.

As I left Kintakuji (and remembered leaving it four years before), I wondered what I had been thinking back then. At the time, I knew I was going to study abroad here. But now? I know I want to come back to Japan, but I'll only have so much money and time -- especially as a grad student/teacher. Also, there are so many places to go in the world, and other than Canada this is the only foreign country I've been to so far -- not to mention there are so many places within the states I want to go to.

I'm not so sure if life is a circle, like my friend thought. Maybe it's more like a Moebius strip; certainly we can see how the present overlaps the past, but the future is still twisted. Either way, it's a single unit, and there's no question in my mind that the beginning and the end connect.